Every Day is a New Opportunity to Do My Best

I really used to beat myself up for not accomplishing certain things, or meeting certain goals. Perhaps even worse than that, I suffered from all kinds of anxiety, worried that something I was trying to do would not work out. It seems to me that a lot of people do this. I guess we all do it. We spend too much time -- which means any time at all -- wishing we had done, or could do, better than our best. By definition, this just is not possible.

There is one thing I know for certain, and that is that all of the worry and anxiety did not do anything to help me accomplish what I wanted to. It all just made me feel bad, which actually made it less likely that I would succeed than if I had been completely clear headed and focused on the task before me. Worrying that I would not do my best, or that my best would not be enough, made it much more likely that this would become my reality.

The fact is, all I can do, every day, is my best. Then I need to accept that I have done it and move forward. Every day is a new opportunity to do my best.

It took me years to reach this simple realization. Then, it took many more years to internalize it, to train my mind to really believe it. Today -- most of the time, anyway -- I think about each day and do my best with it. Either things work out or they do not. If they do not, it does not help anything for me to beat myself up about it; the best thing for me to do is start thinking about tomorrow, and how I can make it as successful as possible -- how I can improve the things that I did not get totally perfect today, or move on to totally new things.

I still struggle with this at times, but the more I think it and remind myself, the easier it gets, and the happier I am.

Happiness Tip - Quit Arguing

There are some people who really love to argue. If you are one of those, there's probably not much I can do for you. Do what works for you and on you go.

What I can tell you is that most people want to be around others who are supportive and easy to be around. If you are those two things, there will be a larger number of people who enjoy your company and want to be around you. In my experience, more people enjoying spending time with you generally leads to a happier life.

In addition to that, here are a few other things to consider.

• Arguing implies an effort to win; questioning implies an effort to learn. I used to love political arguments. I loved to be right. After maybe 30 years of being an often-victorious political arguer (in my mind, at least), it occurred to me that I often felt good about myself, but I was almost never really changing anyone's mind, and I was missing opportunities to learn, understand, and connect. Today, I have an awful lot of friends with whom I disagree on pretty much every major issue of the day; I think this is because a few years ago I decided to focus on learning from them, and made it a rule to never argue (a rule I sometimes break, but mostly not). Today, I am so much happier about my friendships, and I am learning so much more from them.
• For the most part, people hate to be told they are wrong. In the end, there is just no way around that. On the other hand, people mostly like to share what they know and explain their opinions. If you want more people to enjoy the time they spend with you, this might be a good thing to remember.
• Arguing is stressful; nobody ever had a heart attack from asking questions. That's just something to think about.

As you can see, I come from a very particular perspective -- more people like people who are pleasant and supportive;  it is better to have more people who like you in your life; and learning from others is better than getting them to agree with you. Not everyone will agree with this, but for most people, living with these principles will lead to a happier life. That is what I wish for you.

10 Happiness Lessons from The Martian, with Matt Damon

The Martian, starring Matt Damon as astronaut Mark Whatney, is absolutely one of the best movies I have seen in a while, particularly in terms of laying out a clear path to happiness. Here is a guy who is stuck all alone on Mars, with every expectation that he will be there for years, and living with the very real possibility that he could die at pretty much any time. In the face of it, he seems to be a mostly happy guy. Here are the lessons I took from The Martian -- "Matt Damon's Secrets to Happiness".

Note that there are spoilers below, so read at your own risk.

1.  Focus on solving the problems.
This is the underlying theme of the entire movie. It would have been extremely easy for Damon's character, Mark Whatney, to sit down and die, to give up. Instead, he spent his time solving his problems, on moving forward.

2.  Solve one problem at a time.
At the end of the movie, Whatney is giving a speech to a class of astronaut wannabes and he tells them that for their entire lives, they will be faced with problem after problem. He tells them all they can do is go to work on the first one, solve it, and then move on to the next problem. On this list, #2 is the key to #1 -- realizing that we can't solve all of our problems at once and focusing on the most important one before moving on to the next oen.

3.  Don’t take yourself too seriously.
Mark Whatney jokes at every turn. When he nearly blow himself up, he jokes. When he is about to try something that could easily kill him - such as puncturing his suit in space so the escaping air will propel him like a jet blast -- he jokes.

4.  Make jokes.
I suppose #4 is pretty much the same as #3, but the Damon character really does joke a lot. Above, we see him joking in the face of crises. But he also jokes about the successes, such as when he     He literally integrates humor into every aspect of his life. This absolutely must be a key to his happiness and to his ability to succeed.

5.  Take your victories where you can get them.
Mark Whatney knew that there was nobody else to motivate him, and it was totally up to him to keep up his personal energy. He celebrated every little victory, knowing that they were important steps to reaching his final goal. He got excited when he figured out how to grow potatoes; when he discovered how to stretch his battery life and go longer distances in his electric vehicle; and when he learned how to communicate Earth.

6.  Move through the tough parts as quickly as you can.
One of Whatney's very first challenges was treating an injury. There are people in this world who could not have pulled a long piece of metal out of their belly, nor stapled the wound closed without any anesthetic. These things were incredibly painful, but Whatney knew they had to be done quickly or he would die. So he did them, and he survived.

7.  Don’t dwell on things.
Over and over again, Whatney had setbacks -- from losing his potato crop to the entire situation of getting stranded on Mars. He never dwelled on the problems; he focused on solving them and moving forward.

8.  Communicate.
Whatney communicated about absolutely everything, taking videos and sharing them with his team back on Earth. This helped him keep his spirits up, made him feel less alone, helped him think through and solve his problems, and even allowed them to come to his aid. When it gets down to it, communication can make most things better.

9.  Analyze your situation.
As a scientist, Whatney was great at analyzing his situation and then moving toward a solution. Too often, we see a problem and immediately decide it can't be solved. The fact is, that there are very few problems that cannot be solved, or at least made better, if we take the time to think them through.

10.  Take calculated risks.
One of the great scenes in The Martian is when Whatney takes off into space with nothing but a tarp covering the nose of his rocket (because he need to make his ship much lighter). This sounds a little nuts, but was scientifically sound, and allowed him to leave Mars. Taking a calculated risk made all the difference.



If you haven't, go see the movie. It is so much fun, and offers important commentary on dealing with the troubles life throws at us all.

Happiness Tip -- Focus on Others in Conversation

In my experience, pretty much everyone's favorite topic is themselves; the more conversation focuses on them and their interests, the happier they are and the more interesting I seem. Also, the more I can get people to talk about themselves. the more I will learn -- after all, I already know all of my stories and opinions.

Now, I do not need people to like me to be happy, but it helps. Isn't it better to be someone people enjoy? Isn't it more fun when people seek your company? In my experience, the happier I can make someone in a conversation, the happier it makes me; also, the more I can get someone to talk, the more I will learn, and the more opportunities I have to learn and improve myself.

Here are some tips for focusing on others in conversation. None of these things will surprise you, but I think an awful lot of people would be surprised if they compare this list to most of their conversations.

1.  Ask lots of questions about the other person.
2.  Learn what interests the other person and focus on those topics.
3.  Share your stories and thoughts, but make sure the other person talks at least 2/3 of the time.
4.  When a person asks you a question, answer it and then turn it right around on them. For example, if someone asks your favorite restaurant, tell them, but you want to get theirs, too. I am shocked at how often people do not do this.
5.  End every story you tell or opinion you express with a question.
6.  View every conversation as a challenge to learn as much as you can about the other person.
7.  Instead of disagreeing, ask questions when some expresses a differing view.Talking to people who disagree with you can be incredible learning opportunities.
8.  In case I did not mention it, ask lots and lots of questions.

Focusing on others in conversation is an opportunity to learn; helps us forget about our own problems; and makes people want to be around us. Doesn't that sound like a path to happiness?

Happiness Strategy -- Just Do Your Best Every Day, and be Satisfied

Here is the truth -- all any of us can do, every day, is our best.

It does not do anybody any good to be unhappy when our best does not feel like enough. All we can do is what we have done, and no amount of feeling good or bad is going to change that.

For years, I would make a long to-do list for the day, diligently work through it, and then beat myself up when I did not finish everything. It literally took the better part of 20 years for me to realize that my best is all I can do, and I need to be happy with that, or at least content. Then, it took another few years for me to really settle into the idea.

For years, I had to actively remind myself that my best is all I could do, so I was going to do it and just move on. Sometimes, I still have to remind myself.

Today, I still make my daily list -- doing my best to put the most important things on top -- and I do what I can do. Sometimes I finish the whole thing, and often I do not. Either way, I remind myself that I did my best in the context of that day, and I move on, ready to do my best the next day.

Happiness Strategy - Break It Down, Think It Through, Act

When you are feeling unhappy -- at least in my case -- it is just so easy to let the unhappiness wash over you like a big wave, like one big thing that you just can't get hold of.

Most of the time, though, that is not really the truth of the unhappiness. It is not one big thing; it is a bunch of little things. Well, it might even be a bunch of big things, and every once in a while it really is one big thing, but it is almost never undefinable; and definition is the first step toward solution.

If we really think about it, most of us can figure out what is making us unhappy, and that is what you might find helpful. When I get unhappy about something, I often try to think it through and really understand the cause or causes -- I occasionally even write it down on a sheet of paper.

What I have found is that really thinking it through makes me feel so much more in control. Once I have identified the issues, then I can go down the list and decide which are not really so important and which must be dealt with. Then, if necessary, I can create a plan and do something to fix my situation, rather than just wallow in it. Just going through this process often puts me in a remarkably better state of mind. It changes my momentum away from unhappiness and toward constructive activity and thought.

The more I can take action to solve unhappiness, the less power it has over me.

It's Okay to Be Unhappy Sometimes

It occurs to me that sometimes it could seem like I think that everyone should be happy 100% of the time.

This is so NOT true.

I get sad or down or depressed sometimes. I get angry or scared or have any number of negative emotions that absolutely anyone has from time to time.

Feeling some kind of bad from time to time is human. There's just no way around that.

There is no reason, though, to allow the bad feelings to linger. One thing I know for sure is that feeling bad, in a long term way, never made any situation better. It has never solved any problem, helped anyone think more clearly, or otherwise improved their situation in life.

That is the whole point of this blog - to be happier, more of the time.  And anyone can be happy.

The best way to stop being unhappy is to choose to, to mentally reject the unhappiness and move on with your life. Do anything long enough, and it shapes you and the way you feel (which is why some people find it very easy to be unhappy for years at a time -- this is the path they have chosen).

Realize that we all get unhappy from time to time; it is up to you to choose happiness as a way of life.

Writing the Irrefutable Rules for Happiness

I believe that there is a short list of Irrefutable Rules for Happiness. I might even know what some or all of those rules are. Maybe not, though. Maybe I am forgetting something or getting something a little wrong.

Here is the first draft of my "Irrefutable Rules for Happiness."

1.    Take responsibility for your own happiness.
2.    Have a plan for dealing with unhappiness.
3.    Be low maintenance and easy to get along with.
4.    Do not let what others do or think affect your mood.
5.    Realize that unhappiness has never made anything better.
6.    Be the best person you can, every day, and be satisfied with that.
7.    Look for the positive in any situation.
8.    Focus on others, rather than yourself.
9.    Find reasons to laugh and smile.

What do you thin should be on the list? What am I missing or what did I get wrong?

Seriously, I would love to get some help in creating a list of real value.

Happiness Strategy - Make a List of Your Happiness Reminders

Something that I have found helpful in my own life is to make a list of things that make me happy in my day-to-day. I don't mean like "pictures of puppies" or "a really good back rub" (although, this can be helpful, too). I mean a list of things that I know about myself and the world that are so easy to forget, but that make me happy when I remember them (or, at least, they make things easier).

Mostly, these are reminders about the truth of things, such as "Absolutely everything is better when I choose to be happy."

A few are reminders about what I should be doing to be at my happiest, such as, "I am always so much happier when I watch very little TV."

Here is my list:
- Absolutely everything is better when I choose to be happy.
- I am just going to be happy; that's it.
- Confidence that everything will be fine is a root of emotional comfort.
- Everything is better when you take charge and make things happen, rather than letting things happen to you.
- I have absolutely nothing to lose.
- A secret to happiness is to just be in the moment and not get overwhelmed by everything while, at the same time, looking at the big picture and thinking about all the good things in it.
- All I can do, every day, every minute, is my best. That is enough, but I have to do it.
- I have an incredibly good life and there is almost nothing that can change this.
- Every difficult situation or person is just a puzzle to be solved.
- The less I care about what others think, the happier I will be.
- I am always so much happier when I watch very little TV.
- As my dad always said, don't sweat the little stuff. Remember that it is all little stuff.

Think about your list. Write it down. Take it out and give it a read when you need reminders. The more you do it, the easier it will be to remember and the happier you will be.

Some People Crave Unhappiness. Do You?

I spent some time this weekend with a friend who is basically always unhappy. Part of it is chemical; and more than that, she craves it. For years, I have watched hem be unhappy on a day-to-day basis, as well as moving from crisis to crisis to crisis. For my friend, the world is largely a horrible place, engulfed in darkness.

Deep unhappiness -- some combination of sadness, anger, fear -- can be so powerful. It can actually fill an emotional need.

Unhappiness is an incredibly painful way to fill the emptiness in a person's life. Also, like everything else in life, unhappiness has its own momentum. Unhappiness breeds unhappiness. A lifetime of unhappiness is a tough thing to pull yourself out of, perhaps impossible for some.

It is important to recognize unhappiness as the powerful force that it is. We all need strategies for short term happiness, and a plan to make it last a lifetime. You can create those strategies for yourself. You have the power. Hopefully, you will find this blog helpful in that process.

Happiness Question -- What Made You Unhappy a Year Ago?

When I was first starting out in my career, my boss noticed that something was bothering me. He asked what was going on and I told him. I do not even remember what it was, just one of those things that get us unhappy or tense or whatever. One of those ordinary, everyday troubles we all have.

What he said next had a profound effect on the rest of my life.

"I'm going to ask you what I ask my kids when they are upset about something," he said. "What made you unhappy this time, one year ago? You can't remember, can you? In a year from now, you won't be able to remember what is upsetting you today."

I could not remember what had upset me on that day the previous year. He was absolutely right. Of course, there are real problems that bother us that we will remember for a long time, or even the rest of their lives, but most of the difficult days will be forgotten in a week or a month or a year. Most of the things we let upset us or bother us or otherwise rob us of our happiness are just not worth it.

Over the last 20 years or so, I have reminded myself of that conversation many, many times, so many times that it has integrated itself into my being. It became a key feature of the process of training my mind to be happy -- a process that can work for you or for anyone.

Happiness Strategy -- Write About It

When you feel unhappy -- or like you might be getting that way -- it can really help to employ a strategy for shifting gears. One of my favorites is to sit down and write about whatever is going on that contributes to my negativity. This can help in a variety of ways.

• Writing forces me to face the issue head on, combating my tendency to avoid negativity (which pretty much always makes things worse).
• Negativity builds on itself, often becoming bigger than the original issue that caused it. Writing about whatever is bothering me helps me really think about what is going on and staves off the very human tendency to wallow.
• Writing about an issue often helps me realize that it is not such a big deal, and is not worth my time and energy.
• The act of writing occupies my mind. It is active; and any activity starts to create forward momentum -- even if just a little bit -- that I can then put into other activities that will take me even further away from the unhappiness.
• As I write, I do not just write about the issue, I write about how to solve it or otherwise remove it from my life. Writing forces me to organize my thoughts and feelings, and to put real energy into solutions.

For me, the writing strategy works best with the TV off. Music in the background is okay, but television is just different, for me. It fills my brain and mostly shuts it down, like anesthesia.

I absolutely believe that part of the reason I tend to be happier than some people is that I keep a daily journal, employing my writing strategy every day, whether I need it or not. On a tough day, I might even write more than one entry throughout the day, taking a few minutes to get my thoughts and feelings out, organize them a bit, and start developing solutions and strategies

Happiness is Mostly a Choice

In the end, no matter what my life is like... no matter what I may be going through... no matter how hard things may seem... I know that my long term happiness is mostly my own choice.

Honestly? Sometimes this statement seems insane, even to me. Life can be so hard sometimes. There are times when the deck seems stacked against me. There are times when happiness seems impossible to achieve.

At these times, here are a few reminders I find helpful:

• there has never been a single instance in which it has helped me to be unhappy
• unhappiness has its own momentum; it is up to me to change directions, to shift that momentum
• people will put up with it for a while, but nobody enjoys being around someone who is unhappy
• the more I can project happiness, the easier it will be to feel happiness (fake it 'til you make it!)
• nobody else has the responsibility to make me happy; it is up to me
• I have the power to be happy; it is within me and if I choose to be happy, I will eventually be truly happy

For Happiness, Avoid the Momentum Traps of Unhappiness

Lying on the couch, vegging out in front of the TV, it becomes so easy to just keep doing that. That is my big Momentum Trap.

Overeating makes it easier to continue overeating.

Feeling sorry for yourself... focusing on the negative... thinking about things that do not make you happier... it just gets easier and easier.

It is all about momentum. The momentum of your life, your day, your attitude. Momentum can be a trap that we all fall into; and from which we all have the power to pull ourselves.

Step One -- Recognize Your Momentum Traps
Think about it. What are the things you do that put you on a path toward negativity of any kind? It could be something big, like dwelling on something important in life that has gone differently than you wanted; or it could be any of the small things in life that we allow to drag us down (lying around doing nothing productive, eating poorly, or lingering over the myriad injustices that happen to any of us on any given day).

Step Two -- Do Something, Anything, Positive to Make a Change in Your Momentum
Really, it is just that simple, at least to start; and it gets easier and easier, and becomes more of a habit, the more you do it.

Here are a few Momentum Changers that work for me:

• Take a walk
• Call a friend or someone else I enjoy
• Pick up a book
• Make a to-do list and start working in it
• Get out and do pretty much anything
• Clean something
• Go to the gym
• Write in a journal
• Volunteer for a local charity

Your Momentum Changers will be unique to you. Thinking it through, finding your Momentum Changers, and using them when you fall into Momentum Traps, can make a huge difference in your day-to-day life. The more you do it, the easier it will get, and the happier you will be.

Anyone Can Be Happy, an Introduction

Impromptu afternoon date with my lovely wife, Leigh.

People have often said that I am one of the happiest people they know, and they are right.

For me, happiness is not just a lucky accident; it is a daily choice. Yes, I have the best life of anyone I know, but that is largely a perspective. It is a choice to view my life that way. It is a choice that I make every day, one that sometimes takes work.

I have found that the more I work to create my happiness, the easier it gets. It gets easier every year, every month, every week, even every day.

My life, I believe, is charmed and perfect. From the outside, though, someone could easily disagree with me (my mother, for example, could easily share myriad reasons that I should be borderline clinically depressed!.

Let me give you an example.

• In 2003, I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, a disease we know will get at least a little worse pretty much every year or more often, for the rest of my life.
• In 2004, my dad, a man I basically worshiped, died after being sick for two weeks.
• In 2005, my wife of nearly a decade left me with absolutely no warning, two days after returning from what I thought was a trip of a lifetime in Europe.

And, yet, I look back at the 2000's as the best decade of my life up to that point.

Yes, this is helped by the fact that the 2000's also gave me some great adventures, and I met and married the woman I believe is my soul mate. The key, though, is that is where I put my focus, on the positive things that happened to me. The beautiful. The happy.

Also, for most of the past 2 years, I have been collecting and creating secrets to happiness -- life rules, processes, and tips and tricks.

This blog will share what I have learned and how I have become one of the happiest people you might ever meet, by choice. Most importantly, I believe I have lessons to share that will help pretty much anyone live a happier life.

Anyone can be happy. You can be happy.