Some People Crave Unhappiness. Do You?

I spent some time this weekend with a friend who is basically always unhappy. Part of it is chemical; and more than that, she craves it. For years, I have watched hem be unhappy on a day-to-day basis, as well as moving from crisis to crisis to crisis. For my friend, the world is largely a horrible place, engulfed in darkness.

Deep unhappiness -- some combination of sadness, anger, fear -- can be so powerful. It can actually fill an emotional need.

Unhappiness is an incredibly painful way to fill the emptiness in a person's life. Also, like everything else in life, unhappiness has its own momentum. Unhappiness breeds unhappiness. A lifetime of unhappiness is a tough thing to pull yourself out of, perhaps impossible for some.

It is important to recognize unhappiness as the powerful force that it is. We all need strategies for short term happiness, and a plan to make it last a lifetime. You can create those strategies for yourself. You have the power. Hopefully, you will find this blog helpful in that process.

Happiness Question -- What Made You Unhappy a Year Ago?

When I was first starting out in my career, my boss noticed that something was bothering me. He asked what was going on and I told him. I do not even remember what it was, just one of those things that get us unhappy or tense or whatever. One of those ordinary, everyday troubles we all have.

What he said next had a profound effect on the rest of my life.

"I'm going to ask you what I ask my kids when they are upset about something," he said. "What made you unhappy this time, one year ago? You can't remember, can you? In a year from now, you won't be able to remember what is upsetting you today."

I could not remember what had upset me on that day the previous year. He was absolutely right. Of course, there are real problems that bother us that we will remember for a long time, or even the rest of their lives, but most of the difficult days will be forgotten in a week or a month or a year. Most of the things we let upset us or bother us or otherwise rob us of our happiness are just not worth it.

Over the last 20 years or so, I have reminded myself of that conversation many, many times, so many times that it has integrated itself into my being. It became a key feature of the process of training my mind to be happy -- a process that can work for you or for anyone.

Happiness Strategy -- Write About It

When you feel unhappy -- or like you might be getting that way -- it can really help to employ a strategy for shifting gears. One of my favorites is to sit down and write about whatever is going on that contributes to my negativity. This can help in a variety of ways.

• Writing forces me to face the issue head on, combating my tendency to avoid negativity (which pretty much always makes things worse).
• Negativity builds on itself, often becoming bigger than the original issue that caused it. Writing about whatever is bothering me helps me really think about what is going on and staves off the very human tendency to wallow.
• Writing about an issue often helps me realize that it is not such a big deal, and is not worth my time and energy.
• The act of writing occupies my mind. It is active; and any activity starts to create forward momentum -- even if just a little bit -- that I can then put into other activities that will take me even further away from the unhappiness.
• As I write, I do not just write about the issue, I write about how to solve it or otherwise remove it from my life. Writing forces me to organize my thoughts and feelings, and to put real energy into solutions.

For me, the writing strategy works best with the TV off. Music in the background is okay, but television is just different, for me. It fills my brain and mostly shuts it down, like anesthesia.

I absolutely believe that part of the reason I tend to be happier than some people is that I keep a daily journal, employing my writing strategy every day, whether I need it or not. On a tough day, I might even write more than one entry throughout the day, taking a few minutes to get my thoughts and feelings out, organize them a bit, and start developing solutions and strategies

Happiness is Mostly a Choice

In the end, no matter what my life is like... no matter what I may be going through... no matter how hard things may seem... I know that my long term happiness is mostly my own choice.

Honestly? Sometimes this statement seems insane, even to me. Life can be so hard sometimes. There are times when the deck seems stacked against me. There are times when happiness seems impossible to achieve.

At these times, here are a few reminders I find helpful:

• there has never been a single instance in which it has helped me to be unhappy
• unhappiness has its own momentum; it is up to me to change directions, to shift that momentum
• people will put up with it for a while, but nobody enjoys being around someone who is unhappy
• the more I can project happiness, the easier it will be to feel happiness (fake it 'til you make it!)
• nobody else has the responsibility to make me happy; it is up to me
• I have the power to be happy; it is within me and if I choose to be happy, I will eventually be truly happy